(WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO BAD LANGUAGE.)
I'm a big fan of the innovative and interactive foodie website, "What The Fuck Should I Make for Dinner". It gives you many different dinner options and links to the recipes, based on whether or not you're a vegetarian. It will keep searching for appropriate links until you find something interesting to cook. Totally cool and useful!
However, the coolest thing about it is the liberal use of curse words to describe a meal and/or its cooking process. You might think that reading recipes or descriptions of food with many off-color words sprinkled throughout would get old or offensive, but it just punches up the energy of every entry. I find myself laughing out loud a lot as I peruse the site's Facebook page.
Many moons ago, I used to swear like a sailor who hasn't gotten laid in months. I cleaned up my act, because, frankly, it's not the same cursing in Spanish (even with an exaggerate "r" in "reputissima madre" for example) or using more benign, polite phrases, like "darn it all" or "crap". Ideally, the colorful and meaty English counterparts give emotional gravitas to that thing or action to which you refer, which means that writing a piece or delivering a line peppered with offensive language is challenging. It has to be coherent, keep the piece moving, and be entertaining at the same time. This is easy if you're Annie Wilkes in Misery:
But what about the normal locos, like me? "Cockadoodee" just wouldn't capture the violent eruption of emotion I would feel, say, when I realize 30 minute into cooking that I forgot to change farenheit to celsius, or that I added 1 cup of salt instead of 1 cup of sugar. These events beg for a long string of swear words like, shitfuckdamncocksucker, don't they?
Now, you may wonder, "Why a cooking reference tool with curse words?" I say, "Why the fuck not?" The world is filled with pointless, uncomical things, like Carrot Top or the Teletubbies. Why not create something that is funny, totally original, useful, and trashier than Rachel Ray or Jamie Oliver?
Here's my attempt at a WTFSIMFD post based on a Maple Blueberry Parfait I made for my friend's housewarming party last night. Enjoy!
Throw 3 fucking cups of fucking blueberries into a pot with about 1/2 cup of B-ass grade maple syrup. Cook that shit up over a medium flame until the bitches start popping--about 3-8 fucking minutes. Now, take it off the damn fire and throw that shit into the fridge to cool the fuck down and thicken a little bit while you're making the fucking whipped cream. You're not going to rely on that skanky-ass store bought shit because you're not a pussy. You're fucking making it homemade.
Take about 2 cups of fucking cream. Whip that bitch up with about 1 or 2 tablefuckingspoons of maple syrup (to taste, really. Depends on whether or not you have a fucking sweet tooth) until it starts forming stiff peaks. Get your fucking serving cups. Start layering those bitches with the maple-blueberry shit first, then throw some crumbled vanilla cookies or any kind of sweet cakey shit you have lying around, then the fucking whipped cream. Keep fucking layering the glasses until their goddamn full. Don't be an asshole and skimp on that shit. This is a fucking dessert, after all. Throw some fucking fresh berries on top to make things pretty. Serve the bitches immediately, and fucking enjoy!